In the Quiet

My boys left this week to go on a trip with their dad. They barely made it out the door before I started to cry. I thought to myself "I should be used to this by now. I should be adjusted to my time without them after two years of this new normal," but, instead of beating myself up for my emotional response, I allowed myself to sit in the quiet and feel what I was feeling. There always seems to be something to learn from the moments where we sit in the quiet.

I feel like this is a side of divorce that rarely gets discussed. The grief of divorce in and of itself is so devastating, but when you consider the unwanted time apart from your children as a consequence, it's an even more challenging load to bear. I have many friends and family members who say they would love to have that down time, but while I agree that we all need time apart from our children, this particular separation isn't the same. This time apart from our babies is complicated...it's missing out on one of their birthday parties, sharing them on Christmas morning, not being there when they loose their first tooth. It's one of the greatest losses I will ever have to face and one that isn't going away.

So what do I do to be okay with the quiet? Sometimes I am just not okay with it and I take the time to tell God that. I share my disappointment and I allow myself to sit in my grief. It is okay to be real with God and tell him you are struggling to see the good in your circumstances. With a lot of encouragement from friends and family, I have also come to realize that it is okay to enjoy the time I have apart from my boys. I know God has brought people into my life who have supported me by making plans for us and getting me out of my quiet house. They have made me laugh and given me opportunities to rebuild my identity apart from being a mom. It has taken me a while to find joy in the quiet, but I want to encourage anyone who is struggling in this area, that it is possible.

Maybe you are dealing with the same type of quiet or maybe your quiet is different. My prayer is that you would allow yourself to feel whatever is on your heart, that you would hand over your disappointments to God, and that you would be surrounded by those who love you enough to help you see that this quiet can be joyful.

Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”