Co-parenting

I wish more than anything that this topic was one I knew nothing about. I wish my boys were able to grow up in a home with both of their parents under the same roof for holidays, birthdays, the tough days, and the mundane days. Since that isn’t our reality, I daily choose to do my best with the situation I am living, and that involves co-parenting.

I want to start by saying that I am NOT an expert on the topic and have experienced a lot of failure in this department to get to where I am as a co-parent. I recognize that this is one of the hardest things to work through and my hope is that my words can encourage someone who is navigating this. We often hear the horror stories of co-parenting or nothing about it at all. I feel we, as a society, need to open the dialogue and change the narrative on this topic.

Here is the thing: Co-parenting is HARD, especially when hurtful things have taken place between you and your former spouse, but here is the other thing: your children did not choose this situation and should never suffer as a result. This forces us to eat our pride and to battle through forgiveness when we would rather stew in bitterness. It’s not easy, but it IS possible! While my words are meant to be encouraging, they may also be convicting, and I am okay with that.

At the very beginning of my co-parenting journey, I remember praying for God to help me see my former spouse the way that He sees him—through the lens of grace. I also remember making the decision right away that I would choose to honor my ex-husband simply because he is of upmost importance to my most treasured gifts—my boys. I needed to seek counseling to deal with the feelings of disappointment, resentment, and anger I had. I needed a healthy place to vent rather than sharing things that could be hurtful. Through counseling, I was able to begin coming to terms with my new reality and could show up to this new relationship with a relatively clear head. Have I had a clear head in every situation? No. Have I relied on God’s strength in responding in love? OH YES!

The next big step for me in co-parenting was establishing boundaries. When relationships dramatically change, roles need to shift and this requires new boundaries to be set. Being a person who had zero boundaries in my relationships, this was a steep learning curve for me. I had to come to terms with the fact that boundaries are necessary to protect my own mental sanity and to give difficult relationships a fighting chance. Over time, my boundaries have been loosened as this relationship has become healthier and more respectful. I don’t think we ever would have gotten to the place we are in now, without the boundaries that seemed harsh at the beginning. A lot of my boundaries were surrounding other relationships that were providing toxic input into my situation. I needed to shut a lot of that commentary down so I could focus on doing what was necessary for my family in crisis.

The most challenging part of co-parenting for me has been letting go of things that are no longer within my control. On the days that I am not with my children, I am not able to influence when they go to bed, how healthy they eat, how much electronics they have, what is discussed around them, who they spend their time with, and the list goes on. THIS IS HARD. I have learned to navigate difficult conversations when I feel concerned about something related to the boys, but I, ultimately, do not have control over these things and have to trust that my co-parent is doing what is best for our children. Many conversations have been had about our parenting approaches and our values when it comes to raising our children, and I am thankful for that openness so we can be as unified as possible. My counsellor reminds me that my children belong to God first and they are loved by him perfectly, so I can leave them in His capable hands and do what he prompts me to do here on Earth for them.

Co-parenting can be a constant reminder of a failed relationship or it can be a chance to humbly serve another in the most unlikely of circumstances. We get to choose. It can be tense and strained or it can be awkward and beautiful. We get to decide. We can shut down in pride or we can communicate in vulnerability. We can provoke shame and hatred or we can model grace and love. These stances are relevant in any relationship, but I would argue that they are especially vital in co-parenting. Our children need to see a united front and they need to see love modelled from their parents—whether it be romantic love or love that is founded out of mutual respect and family ties. Can we hold ourselves to a higher standard when it comes to co-parenting? I pray we can change the narrative surrounding co-parenting and really strive to do what is best for our children in the midst of a very challenging situation.

Prayers for you if you are on this journey! You’ve got this.